All The Excuses

There is nothing sexier than someone who’s confident. I have always gotten laid when I feel great about myself. My metabolism is faster. My mind is quicker. I am a force to be reckoned with, able to move mountains and create empires, at least dildo empires… I’m not feeling confidence right now and THAT is why I haven’t been writing. That’s my excuse, but it isn’t the only one.

I just left a yoga class, the first one I’ve gone to in weeks and I realized, in quieting my mind, that I had a plethora of writing excuses, so I thought I’d share them.

1.      I went to visit my family and didn’t have cell service. This is true and I stayed a week. It’s a great excuse as I hadn’t visited my sister’s place since I was in elementary school and she was always the “cool” sister. Tall with long red hair. She is an earth mother right out of the 1970’s with her long blue patchwork blue jeans skirt with so many pockets, living off the land. Reality has taken a toll but she’s still cool as fuck. Not nearly as tall, but still red hair. She is 70 now and stooped in a way that scares me. She’s still milking her cows and while I was there tried to teach me to spin yarn (I need more lessons), she’s a master weaver too and a canner. 150+ acre farm is a lot, more than I could handle. I’m in the weeds with my 1/3 of an acre. It was an amazing visit though. I was able to ride a horse again, albeit briefly and poorly but given time I think I could... I already want to go back and spend more time there and I didn’t write a damned thing.

2.      I started writing a book. It began as a fictional account and 10,000 words in. I tried it non-fiction and it read so much better. I’m only 15,000 words and I haven’t written anything more since I left to visit my sister. It’s more than these vignettes, but it’s very much in the same tone. 25,000 more to go on a garbage first draft…. Maybe it will just write itself?

3.      I had a psychological shock that I’m still processing. Some big event happened and the person I trusted to always tell me the truth decided that omission was not lying. I guessed, which is how I found out. I was prepared for it to happen. I’d thought since October that this might have… I wrote that I had an awkward question. They said it wasn’t awkward- but it sure was for me. I thought they’d never keep things from me. Disillusionment on my part. We talked and the talk was good, but I still feel hurt, not that it happened but that someone I trusted more than anyone else would hide things.

4.      I have a new party trick: the right side of my neck goes out by stretching it. It’s really amazing. I have to snap it back with a loud crack or I’m useless. I have always had a bad back, since 8th grade when I went to kick a soccer ball and I heard a loud crack and I couldn’t move my torso 4 inches forward or back. It healed in a couple days… sort of. I had lower back pain most my life after that. I have “thrown” my back more often than I can count (most memorable being when Athena was a couple months old and one midday when I had to crawl to the couch in tears, and lift my infant on it so I could lie down next to her until her dad came home from work. My back’s actually improved with age. Because my top vertebra was out at such a young age, and by the time I actually went to chiropractors it had set, my back now has a reverse thoracic curve to it. Yay- no more constant back pain. Boo- possible new debilitating condition. As my teacher Denise says “bodies are like this.” And as my shero Joan Price says “If your fortunate enough to live long enough, every one of us will be disabled.” I’m accepting, but damn it’s scary.

5.      I have never thought of myself as anything but boring. I really am shocked when I read what I’ve done, since I’m really a quiet home body. I do have a habit of attracting gregarious, outgoing characters. And I admit, I’ve used these people as catalyst at times to get me going places for vacations, to try new hobbies and other adventures. I’m good at putting people at ease. I’m good at organizing. I’m good at taking charge. I’m not especially good at getting off the couch, or at least not great at getting off my own property.

6.      I got used to having someone in my bed. It was a poly partner (I am poly- shocker, I’m sure). They were staying with me as they found a house. They found it. They are nesting in their own bed now. I’m happy for them. The house was a long hunt and it’s incredible but they are now chest deep in projects and I miss them making me coffee. Back to being solo most the time. I’m good at being alone… but I really miss someone in my bed.

7.      I’m thinking I should just get a job and I’m wondering what that might be. There is a worker shortage so as long as I don’t go into real estate or bitcoin it shouldn’t be that hard. But I did sign a non-compete so I can’t work in the sex toy industry although we nixed the “no writing about” clause. What does one do after running a dildo factory- be a barista again?

8.      I’ve lived in my new city a year and a half and I don’t know anyone. I mean, I do yoga at a studio so I have people I know by name and I know my next door neighbors on one side and a neighbor down the street, but I have no queer friends here… and it just feels lonely. Blame it on covid? Or blame it on me being me and not having a dildo factory to make me get out and talk with people.

9.      And what’s up with this weather/ political situation/ body autonomy rights/ fill in the blank… There’s so many outside conflicts I just want to console myself that somehow, it’s not my fault. I don’t want to feed it or it’s whiplash backstroke. Even writing that, makes me weary of how someone here might read into it and turn around and attack me for it… but I’m tired. I’m living small. I’m composting, not commuting, I’m accepting my bodies menopause changes including being two sizes larger than I feel comfortable about (and two sizes larger than the clothes in my closet), I vote and I am adapting to living in a budget that won’t last my lifetime unless I live even smaller… much smaller (or get a job to supplement it).

So please forgive me. I’ll write again… I just need to wade through some shit first.