Porn Super Heroes

The Script I Didn't Write

I’m not sure how it started, and it never really got written, but I was pretty excited at one point in the early years of Tantus, 2002 or 2003, to create Super Hero Porn. It could have been my pen name on Live Journal, DildoGirl; it could have been the comic Kris had found for me called Diary of a Dominatrix; maybe because Chasing Amy had recently been released on video and their lives looked fun; or it could be that at trade shows I was meeting bigger than life porn personalities. It’s a porn actors’ job to be bigger than life and trade shows are performance spaces, no less than those on the camera. At least they were before Porn Hub and interweb free peeking. Making an impression on store buyers meant keeping you stocked in the store video bins which meant money in your pocket.

Before Tantus, I had had a few memorable sexcapades with this guy Justin. He’d worked at a comic book store when I first knew him. He was friends of my Renaissance Faire friends, he being a fencer… and well we fell into bed as you do. Now as a dildo slinger around 2002, I was up in the Bay Area visiting clients when Kris and I stopped into Gamelink. Gamelink never bought a lot from us, just ones and two’s, they barely sold toys, they sold porn, but I loved dealing with their buyers. Their General Manager Michael had refused to buy from us when we first started, he was managing a gay toy catalog out of San Francisco back then who’s name is long forgotten. It went under a few months after he’d refused Tantus. At this meeting, our first face to face, he looked me in the eye and said they’d have placed big orders and wouldn’t have paid and he didn’t want to do that to a startup (big respect). He totally believed in our toys and he was selling them (slowly) now. Anyways, touring their facility, there was Justin again, years later. He saw me before I saw him and then the flirt was on.

Justin was one of the most fun flirts I’d ever had. He’d given me his email and once I rekindled the friendship, the emails and texts were of epic quality. His writing was phenomenal and his imagination was wild. Plus, he was writing porn reviews and watching movies all day long… while messaging some of the hilarious antics. Yes, that was, and still is, his job and he has a flare for it.

Thinking about it, I blame the porn super hero idea on Justin, but I also blame him with my not writing it…

 I believe it was after coitus reunionus, that he sent me to this website he was on- KittenHate.org. Now the site was NOT about hating on kittens, it was a statistical site, where you could record orgasms. It was a glorious a project an IT student in Canada named Sully made. He based it on the saying “every time you orgasm, you killed a kitten” (no kittens were killed in the making or using of this site). It was truly a statistical site where you just logged your orgasms. You would record your orgasm and where it took place, solo or with others, and then you had a small space to make notes on the orgasm (I thought of them as Haiku spaces). This as so long before Twitter and it’s 140-character limit, but it wasn’t much more than that. I was orgasming a lot. Justin was orgasming a lot. You could see your stats and you could compare them with others. One or the other of us made the Kitten Killer of the month more times than not, and you read of curious situations or ideas going on in the head at the time of orgasm. A totally pervy thing to do…. Once we had an epic weekend where we vied orgasm for orgasm with one another in a hotel room in San Francisco’s Tenderloin. Kittenhate (RIP) was a treasure trove of ideas… which made me of course want to go further and further.

I have most of my life been an insomniac, so one sleepless morning I made a little scenario. There was one clear scene (and I have a list written of character so I know). DildoGirl and Bondage Babe were walking down a dark street at night, coming from a dance club, when out came the Gang Banger Boys from Planet Whatever… and it was on!

DildoGirl had a utility harness locked and loaded with so many sexual tools, while Bondage Babe had the inevitable Golden Lasso. I think the Gang Bangers were based on the Blue Man Group (I was traveling to Vegas too much), really, all I recall was there was a gang of them and they were blue. They came down the street looking for, well, people to bang and we were not going silently into any submissive positions. DildoGirl could squirt lube out of her bracer’s ala Spiderman. Bondage Babe tied everyone up nice and tight, her specialty was CBT (Cock Ball Torture).

The next few days I really developed it. I wish I had the map of the whole plot- it is lost on a dead hard drive. What I do have is the cast of characters.

Heroes:

DildoGirl
Bondage Babe
The Submissive Sisters (they always say “yes” but you always end up doing whatever they want)
The Spanker
Boy Toy

Villains:

Gang Bang Boys from Planet Whatever
Vicious Virgin (with a clamping toothed, steel chastity belt)
Quick Cum (two strokes and he’s done)
The Screamer

Walk on part:

Nurse Nina (the only cast performer Ms. Nina Hartley because she was a nurse after all)

The overall plot had to do with a robbery at the sperm bank— Hello Nurse! What the Vicious Virgin wanted with sperm I had no idea but it gave an opportunity for a big bold over indulgent set like Dick Tracy. The Vicious Virgin in cahoots with the Gang Banger Boys… I imagined all the kitsch from my youth- primary colors and animations of “ZOK!” and “KAPOW!” ala TV’s Batman. It was quite the vision.

I was discussing it with people to develop it more. Justin and Diana Cage. Diana was the editor of On Our Backs (OOB) and I’d done a few small writings for OOB by then. She suggested making it a serial comic (she had an illustrator to introduce me to) and I’m still kicking myself for not taking her up on it— especially as I’d have it published without putting myself out there.

That it would never actually be a porn production was made real when Justin told me the organization of a real porn movie (back when they actually still made movies, I’m sure they do now too, it’s just… you get used to there only being clips). The plot needed three sex scenes within a short time frame, he had the whole outline centered on actual pop shots. The costs would never be seen in returns on my adventure porn. It was totally impractical. I was making a real big production with a real big production budget and while I thought of it as get off material- most wouldn’t. It was deemed impractical and so, I put it away.

I did dress up as DildoGirl at Julie Stewart’s, CEO of Sportsheets, annual Halloween Party (2004). Wish I’d taken a picture of my utility harness with urethral vibrator, lube, nipple clamps and an assortment of silicone Tantus “weapons”.

Years later I was having a drinking dinner with SheVibe, the amazingly illustrated sex toy site, and Sandra Bruce told me that was what they’d thought of doing too. Alex Kotkin, SheVibes incredible illustrator, started the comic at their inception, but they soon stopped. Lack of storyline? I wish I’d known.

I loved when Alex made a super hero out of me for their front page.  

I may not have added to the porn movie library, or even the comic book library, but I have very definite ideas about porn and porn performers. Porn is an industry of incredible sexy, hardworking, real life super heroes— PAY THEM!